BibleBell's Clean Humor
December 2002
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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The younger one began praying at the top of his lungs:

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

His older brother leaned over, nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
When you prepare your sermons in writing, they say that you are just reading off the script and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T have a script, they say that you were not prepared!
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
Little Lucinda opened the big and old family Bible with fascination. She looked at the old pages as she turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. Lucinda picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mommy, look what I found," Lucinda called out.

"What do you have you there, dear?" her mother asked.

With astonishment in her voice Lucinda answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!"
Old Pastor McTavish was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived they
were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, Pastor McTavish motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. But they were also puzzled because Pastor McTavish had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered how his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed and covetousness had made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

Pastor McTavish smiled weakly and said, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
My husband is very religious.
He won't work if there's a Sunday in the week.

Clippings from church bulletins:

  • The cost for attending the Prayer & Fasting conference includes meals.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
  • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
  • Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Pastor Feingold stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news." The congregation got quiet.

"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" Pastor Feingold said. The congregation groaned.

"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof." A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.

"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed mansion after beautiful mansion until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.

St. Peter replied, "I did the best I could with the money you sent us."
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
During a children's sermon, Pastor Larry asked the children what "Amen" means.

A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means Tha-tha- tha- that's all folks!"
The Baptist church had a small congregation of very faithful people -- all but Marvin the farmer, who had quit coming to church.

Pastor Feingold went to Marvin's farm, and asked him why he didn't attend anymore.

"Gee, Preacher," Marvin said, "I only have these coveralls and old boots, and I don't want to come to the Lord's house dressed so shabby."

Pastor Feingold said, "I've got a spare shirt, sports coat, slacks and shoes I'll give you if you'll come back!"

Marvin agreed, so Pastor Feingold returned that afternoon with the clothes. Next Sunday Marvin didn't show up again.

The Pastor went out to Marvin's farm and asked, "I gave you all those clothes, why didn't you come to church?"

"Well, brother," Marvin said, "I got up and showered and shaved, and I put on those neat duds, and I looked in the mirror. I looked so doggone good I went to the Episcopal church!"

Church Marquee Signs

  • The best vitamin for a Christian is B1
  • Under same management for over 2000 years
  • Soul food served here
  • Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church
  • Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
  • Life has many choices. Eternity has only two. What's yours?
  • Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
  • Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies.
Mr. Akebono, a high school teacher, injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, Mr. Akebono found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to the cast on his chest.

Mr. Akebono had no trouble with discipline that term.
Mrs. Chong, a kindergarten teacher, was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to little Imiko, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

Imiko replied, "I'm drawing God."

Mrs. Chong paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, Imiko replied, "They will in a minute."

4 Things You'll Never Hear in Church

  • Hey! Itís my turn to sit in the front pew.
  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  • Since weíre all here, letís start the service early.
Grandma Deanie took her little grandson Billy to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept Billy out to sea. Grandma Deanie fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, -- that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"

A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up at the sky with an annoyed expression and said, "When we came he had a hat!"
Pastor Wilbur answers his phone.

"Hello is this Pastor Wilbur?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know Sam Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000."

"He will.
Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler.

The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein. After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle.

Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their Games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, he is to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."

To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh
Ecclesiates 3.1, 3.4a


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