Week of 1/3 - 1/9/99
Melba was a Christian lady who did a lot of traveling for her business.
Flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along, because reading it relaxed her.
One time Melba was sitting next to a man. When he saw Melba reading her Bible he chuckled and said, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
Melba replied "Of course I do. It is the word of God."
"Well what about that guy who was swallowed by that whale? You don't believe that, do you?" the man asked.
Melba smiled. "You mean Jonah? Of course I believe it. God doesn't tell fairy tales."
The fellow snorted and asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
Melba said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
"What if Jonah isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." Melba replied quietly.
Our Pastor says the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
- the part of a prayer that everyone understands.
Week of 1/10 -1/16/99
Q: What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:
Adriel owned a business that sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being cancelled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. Adriel was in real trouble. He could lose everything.
A worried Adriel went to see his Pastor and told him, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"
The Pastor replied, "Check your Bible. You'll find all the answers in there."
"Where should I start?" Adriel asked.
The minister answered, "If you don't know where to look, just
close your eyes, open the book, put your finger somewhere on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you
will find your answer."
Curious, the Pastor asked, "In what passage did you find your
Week of 1/17 -1/23/99
The Microschlock Bible
(A parody. Adapted by Bellgamin)
Customer: Oh salesclerk, could you help me please?
Week of 1/24 -1/31/99
|A young widow woman had two incorrigible boys named Pat and Mike. Having
failed in all attempts at controlling the little rascals, the desperate mother decided to try one last approach.
She took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.
First the older boy, Pat, was admitted into the stern minister's study.
Glaring at Pat from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged him: "Young man, where is God?"
Pat went rigid, stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and loudly repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?"
By now, Pat was quaking with dread. This was no ordinary lecture for
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
At this, the Pat leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his brother Mike.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" Mike asked.
"It's awful!" Pat screeched. "Somebody chased God away from the church and they're trying to BLAME US!"
Three Pastors were having lunch.
One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with
bats in my attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the
church. Haven't seen one back since!"